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Post by sinosceptic on Jun 27, 2006 15:07:29 GMT 7
That you must preceed your FIRST Joke with a least ONE Blog nomination to qualify for the monthly beer stack.
Jokes can be as subtle, as low or as sick as you want - we have no sensitivities, as long as they are just jokes. I can laugh at myself - but then again, I am a fat, big nosed, Scottish, balding old git who's terrible in the sack, a lazy fkr, downright obnoxious and socially retarded, so you can see why - and you should be able to as well.
To claim your case (24 tins/cans) of Tsingtao - then you'll either have to supply a delivery address, a safe pick up point or come and collect it yourself. Delivery only in Mainland China methinks?? Admiral???
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Post by the Admiral on Jun 28, 2006 11:24:32 GMT 7
That's right. You heard the man!
I've updated the description outside to reflect the requirement.
You must nominate (on your FIRST joke)to be eligible for the beer!
C'mon people! You've got a Redneck and a Scotsman giving away beer.
This is serious stuff!
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Post by sinosceptic on Jun 28, 2006 13:51:07 GMT 7
I'll start the jokes then - although I'm not interested in winning the beer that I'm giving away.  The Intrepid Sinosceptic tells his kids he going out to kill something for their dinner. So off he goes and comes back a few hours later after killing a wild deer. He said to the kids, “I won't tell you what I have brought back, you have to guess what it is”. His eldest son said “can we have a clue”? He thinks for a minute and then tells them “sometimes mummy calls me this”. The son said “wow, don’t eat it, it’s an not a very nice person”. |
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Post by sinosceptic on Jun 28, 2006 13:56:23 GMT 7
Whilst I was driving down the M4 the other day, (going a little
faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a policeman on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait. His
camouflage was nuts but still caught me out.
The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that
classic patronising smirk, asked: "Runway too short?"
To which I replied, "I'm late for work."
To which he asked, "What do you do?"
"I'm a Rectum Stretcher," I responded.
The copper was surprised and confused. "A what? A Rectum Stretcher? And just what does a Rectum Stretcher do?"
"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way
up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."
Then the traffic cop asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?"
To which I politely replied,
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Speeding ticket: £105.00
Court costs: = £45
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Post by sinosceptic on Jun 28, 2006 13:57:26 GMT 7
What’s a Traffic cop and a Fanny (poossy) got in common?
>>>>>>-----They’re both cvnts hiding behind a bush.
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Post by sinosceptic on Jun 28, 2006 14:00:23 GMT 7
Lester Piggott (famous Jockey) gets locked up for tax dodging. He arrives in his cell and is greeted by a Big Coloured man.
"Hello" says Lester nervously. "Whats your name."
"Hello", says the large Coloured chappie. " My names Clive, Whats your name,"
"Lester Piggott" says the nervous Jockey.
Clive smiles, "Do you like playing games Lester?" he asked.
`Oh nuts', Thinks Lester I better play safe. "Yes" he replies.
"Would you like to play at Mummies and Daddies Lester?", asks Clive.
`Oh nuts', Thinks Lester " Er, OK Clive." He answers nervously.
"Do you want to be mummy or daddy ?" asks the big smiling Clive.
"Er I think I'd like to play Daddy," says Lester with relief.
" Good," says Clive, "now, would Daddy like to come over here and suck Mummies C0ck!"
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Post by the Admiral on Jun 28, 2006 18:53:38 GMT 7
What's another word for thesaurus?  |
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Post by the Admiral on Jun 28, 2006 18:55:09 GMT 7
A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, "Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many
blackbirds are left?"
The little boy thinks for a moment and says, "NONE!" The teacher replies, "None, how do you figure that?" The little boy says, if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence." The teacher replies, "Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!"
The little boy then says, "Teacher, let me ask you a question.
There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?"
The teacher ponders the question ncomfortably and then finally replies, "Well, I guess the one sucking her cone."
To which the little boy replies, "Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!"
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Post by the Admiral on Jun 28, 2006 18:56:47 GMT 7
Little farmboy comes in late for school. Teacher asks why he's late. Farmboy replies that he had to take the family cow over to the neighbour's to get her bred by a bull.
Annoyed, teacher demands, "Can't your father do that?" Little farm boy thinks for a moment: replies, "Well, sure... but the bull can do it better."
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Post by the Admiral on Jun 28, 2006 18:57:52 GMT 7
I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people" -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." -- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.
"The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep." -- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." -- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
"When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results." -- Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge
"It's like deja vu all over again." -- Yogi Berra
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese" -- Former French President Charles De Gaulle
"The loss of life will be irreplaceable." -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the San Francisco earthquake
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." -- A congressional candidate in Texas
"It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody." -- Richard M. Nixon
"The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet." -- Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars.
"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame." -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots
"Things are more like they are now than they ever were before." -- Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money." -- Everett Dirksen
"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on." -- Samuel Goldwyn
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. " --Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on
Republican family values
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind." -- General William Westmoreland
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste"
"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet." -- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
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Post by the Admiral on Jun 28, 2006 19:01:03 GMT 7
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.
He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.
She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."
"No, I wouldn't," he said.
She said, "I sell tampons."
With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"
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Post by the Admiral on Jun 28, 2006 19:03:18 GMT 7
A man in his 40s bought a new BMW and was out driving on the interstate at top speed when he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and sped up even more. Then the reality of the situation hit him, "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, it is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
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Post by the Admiral on Jun 28, 2006 19:09:40 GMT 7
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Post by sinosceptic on Jun 29, 2006 9:52:50 GMT 7
THE FEMALE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS
Car Parking
The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was one of 19.36m(63ft 2ins), equivalent to three standard parking
spaces, by Mrs. Elizabeth Simpkins, driving an unmodified Vauxhall
Nova Swing' on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at
11.15am in Pergate, Pontefract, and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8 hours 14minutes later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lampposts.
Film Confusion
The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her
husband without asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on the 28th October 1990, when Mrs. Ethel Brunswick sat down with her husband to watch 'The Ipcress File'. She watched in silence for a breath-taking 2 mins 40secs before asking "Is he a goodie or a baddie, him in the glasses?" revealing a staggering level of ignorance.
This broke her own record set in 1962 when she sat through 2 mins 38secs of '633 Squadron' before asking "Is this a war film?"
Incorrect Driving
The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504km (313miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn at the wheel of a Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Ayr but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.
Shop Dithering
The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between 21st August and 2nd September 1995 by Mrs. Sandra Wilks in the Birmingham branch of Dorothy Perkins. Entering the shop on a Saturday morning, Mrs. Wilks could not choose between two near identical dresses that were both in the sale. After one hour, her husband, sitting on a chair by the changing room with his head in his hands, told her to buy both. Mrs. Wilks eventually bought one for 12.99, only to return the next day and exchange it for the other one. To date, she has yet to wear it.
Mrs. Wilks also holds the record for window shopping longevity, when, starting September 12th 1995, she stood motionless gazing at a pair of shoes in River Island's window in Kidderminster for 3 weeks two days before eventually going home.
Jumble Sale Massacre
The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a
jumble sale is 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West
Yorkshire on February 12th 1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial scramble to get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush at the first table. A seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 10p that escalated into a full-scale melee resulting in another 18 lives being lost.
A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread
throughout the hall, claiming 39 old women. The jumble sale raised
5.28 for local boy scouts.
Talking about Nothing
Mrs. Mary Caterham and Mrs. Marjorie Steele sat in a kitchen in
Blackburn, Lancs. and talked about nothing whatsoever for almost four and a half months from 1st May to 7th August 1978, pausing only for coffee, cakes and toilet visits. Throughout the whole time, no information was exchanged and neither woman gained any new knowledge whatsoever.
The outdoor record for talking about nothing is held by Mrs. Vera
Etherington and her neighbour Mrs. Dolly Booth of Ipswich, who
between 11th November 1983 and 12th January1984 chuntered on over their fence in an unenlightening dialogue lasting almost 62 days until Mrs. Booth remembered she'd left the bath running.
Gossiping
On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes
Banbury popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of which she told Mrs. Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an affair with the butcher. After Mrs. Blatherwick left at 2.10pm, Mrs. Banbury immediately began to tell everyone she knew, swearing them all to secrecy.
By 2.30pm, she had told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it had
risen to 372 and by 4.00pm that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair,
including the local Amateur dramatic society, several knitting
circles, a coach load of American tourists which she flagged down and the butchers wife. When a tired Mrs. Banbury went to bed at 11.55pm that night Mrs. Blatherwick's affair was common knowledge to a staggering 75,338 people, enough to fill Wembley Stadium.
Group Toilet Visit
The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet
simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the Department of Social
Security, Longbenton. At their annual Christmas celebration at a
nightclub in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne on October 12th 1994,Mrs. Beryl
Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by
146 other members of the party. Moving as a mass, the group entered the toilet at 9.52pm and, after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2 hrs 37 mins later.
Single Breath Sentence
A Berkshire woman today became the first ever to break the thirty
minute barrier for talking without drawing breath. Mrs. Mavis
Sommers, 48, of Cowley, smashed the previous record of 23 minutes when she excitedly reported an argument she'd had in the butchers to her neighbour. She ranted on for a staggering 32 minutes and 12 seconds without pausing for air, before going blue and collapsing in a heap on the ground. She was taken to Radcliffe Infirmary in a wheelbarrow but was released later after check-ups. At the peak of her mammoth motormouth marathon, she achieved an unbelievable 680 words per minute, repeating the main points of the story an amazing 114 times whilst her neighbour, Mrs. Dolly Knowles, nodded and tutted. The last third of the sentence was delivered in a barely audible croak, the last two minutes being mouthed only, accompanied by vigorous indignant spasms.
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Post by sinosceptic on Jun 29, 2006 9:59:58 GMT 7
George W Bush went to a primary school to talk about the war. After
his talk he offered question time. One little boy put up his hand, so
George asked him his name. "Billy." "And what is your question, Billy?" "I
have three questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the
support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
And third, “whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Just then the bell rang for recess. George Bush informed the kiddies
that they would continue after recess.
When they resumed George W said, "Okay, where were we? Oh that's
right ---question time. Who has a question?" Another little boy put
up his hand.
George pointed him out and asked him his name. "Steve" "And what is
your question, Steve?"
"I have five questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the
support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more
votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did
the recess bell go twenty minutes early? And fifth, what the f**k happened
to Billy?
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Post by sinosceptic on Jun 29, 2006 10:03:12 GMT 7
Just after 9/11 a team from the Liverpool Specialist Cleansing Dept was sent
over to New York to help our cousins clean up, and to shoulder some of the
burden that they felt after the worst atrocity that America ever had.
3 of them where on the streets the day the President visited New York and
where lined up with everyone else to be thanked by him, on reaching them and
seeing them standing stiff as boards next to there small push cart filled with
shovels and brushes, he shook their hands and asked them where they came from as
they had a strange accent, they said Liverpool Sir.
And the President said and 'what state is that in?', and they said about the same f**king state as this place.
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Post by the Admiral on Jul 20, 2006 10:11:30 GMT 7
Looks like no jokes/nominations Sino! We'll just have to drink July's beer prize ourself!
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Post by sinosceptic on Jul 20, 2006 11:13:23 GMT 7
Looks like no jokes/nominations Sino! We'll just have to drink July's beer prize ourself! Sounds good to me. Fk, we can't even give free beer away in China. Tis a sad day, a saaad daaay. |
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Post by the admiral on Jul 21, 2006 12:40:59 GMT 7
Well, considering it was offered by a Redneck and a Scot, they probably thought we only teasing.  |
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Post by YTRYTRE on Nov 1, 2006 16:22:29 GMT 7
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Post by TREW on Nov 2, 2006 21:10:04 GMT 7
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Post by TREW on Nov 5, 2006 21:23:36 GMT 7
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Post by YTRYTRE on Nov 6, 2006 11:54:33 GMT 7
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Post by Q on Nov 10, 2006 11:07:32 GMT 7
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Post by Q on Nov 11, 2006 20:43:23 GMT 7
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Post by YTRYTRE on Nov 12, 2006 13:24:14 GMT 7
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Post by TREW on Nov 12, 2006 20:26:58 GMT 7
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Post by TREW on Nov 12, 2006 20:31:23 GMT 7
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Post by JRIOER on Nov 17, 2006 13:16:27 GMT 7
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Post by aaaa on May 19, 2008 14:13:47 GMT 7
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